SMartpotter
by XxBendlikethestraw42069xX
Summary: my two actually smart and logical charecters meet harry potter
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1:  
I go to hogwarts

Authors note: Hi guys my names ben and i like to write as a hobby but i think arts are a stupid job and science is better. i'm an athiest (beacuse im not a dumb cristian0 and i don't like fairytales, so basically even though theres magic in this story i think it's dumb and not real. i also smoke weed alot and have an iq of 167 (i had it testd) so don't mess wit me or i will hack you!

My name is richard darwin-dawkins and im smoking week with mty freiend ben d. hes a cool guy and ill bet smarter than me but id never tell him that. hes also super funny and good looking lol well anyway there we are smoking weed talking about science and physics. i have a theory about quantum mechaics and general rlativity (authors note: yes i have this thery irl pm me if you want to hear but youd better have an iq over 130 to hear it XD) we were sitting there and then an owl flied in my window and gave me a scroll that said "Hello you guys youre in hogwarts now its a wizard school" so ben d.  
was like "WHAT THE FUUUUCK DUDE, MAGIC ISN"T REAL THAT WAS ALSO MADE UP BY THOSE DUMBASS THEISTS!" but because im a skeptic and open minded (not like those sjws) we decided to go. we went to diagonal alley and bot stuff and i saw this guy with a scar on his head and a big guy. i thought he might have some form of gigantims or something else that makes people big. so we went in to the brick wall and i bougut a wand. (hah, i bot a hard stick, lol you know what else is a hard stickxd)  
and there was this scar kid in there. so him and the big guy were playing with wands (lolxd) and then then the kid grabbed one that made sparks. my science mind thinks "hmm. maybe its quantum effects. this actually works with my theory"  
and then the wand guy came over. he looked at me and gave me a wand (xdxdxd) and he said "this is the most powerful wand of all time. well, its tied with the wand i gave Ben.d. so, anyway, we went out and bought the rest of the stuff. then we went to platform nine and tried to figure out how to get through the scar kid and a redhead were there so we decided to talk to them.

"hi, what's your name?" i said to the scar kid "don't you fucking know who i am?" he said, confused but not mad "that's harry motherfucking potter!1!" said the ginger "he killed voldemor-he who must not be named" he said, catching himself "who?" i said, because i always love to learn new things, but its hard to find exiting things to learn because of my iq "he was like a bad wizard who killed alot of people" said the ginger "so like wizard hitler?" i say to him "yes" says harry "well, you know, if you go on /pol/ a bit, you learn that a lot of what hitler did was exagerated. /pol/ is a cool part of 4chan. my and my freinds go on it a bunch. its getting a bit worse because of the sjws, but yeah.  
"ohh, ill have to check that out" says harry.  
"yeah, i say. so, how do we get to the platform?"  
"I dunno" says harry "theres no platform 93/4"  
"wait." i say. i look at the wall between platform 9 and ten and, judging about 3/4, i run toward it. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING" says harry loudly, just before i run through the wall and see an old fashioned train. harry ron and ben follw after. End CH1


	2. Chapter 2

Ch2 AN:ps think christians are stupid, my cherecters do. it doesnt matter wether or not i do, because my cherecter is diffrent from me.  
so we go onto the train. harry is like "how did you figure that out?" i said: "im really smart and good at puzzles". just then, another person shows up on our train "wow shes hot" says ben.d he was wearing his normal clothes and looked really cool. he has on a trilby and a suit and tie. hes a super nice guy, but because of it he never gets the girls. me, however, is alwas drowining in pussy. i actually have a girlfrend, shes just not mahgic and so doesnt come with us. anyway, ben starts hitting on this girl.  
"hey, m'lady, im ben. what's your name?"  
'ohh... its hermione" she says, blushing while ben is putting the moves on this hermione chick, i turn to talk to ron and harry. "so, who was this voldemort guy?"  
'DONT SAY HIS NAME!11!" saus ron "why not?" i ask. if theres danger, i wont do it. but i need evidence that theres danger or else it feels too much like religion to me "well..." says ron "i guess theres no problems with it"  
"yeah, exactly. i like to make prople reconsider their blind beliefs." i say at this point, ben and hermione have already left in the direction of the trains bathroom i gesture in their direction. 'its a good thing she goes for nice guys and not chads like that' i say, pointing to a stuck up blonde guy walking bye,  
"so, if youre a baby when voldemort died, how did you kill him?' i ask "well, i'm not really sure. i only remember a bright green light and then a flash (LOL VOLDEMORT FLASHED HIM XXDXDXD)" he sais "i didn't even know he was dead till i learned i was a wizard"  
we hear muffled moans coming from the bathroom "niiiiiiiiiiice' rom says. 'that ben kid is a playa'  
'yeah, i know. hes the smartest nicest and best looking guy i know' i say we sat in silence for a while, trying to think about what to talk about. to pass the time, i told them about my thery. they were super intested (AN: PM ME TO LEARN! ITS REALLY SMART!)  
then, harry reaches into his backpack, and says 'you know, this train doesnt arrive till 6:ten but right now its four 20!' and pulls a bag of dank cush from his backpack!  
we all ge ttotally blazed. 


	3. Chapter 3

Ch2 we arrive at hogwarts. hermione and ben come out of the bathroom and she has messy hair and we go into the school. this guy with blond hair shows up behind me.  
"hey. i havent seen you before" he says "and who might you be" i say.  
'im draco motherfucing malfoy" he says "and im a christian"  
i immediatly lose all respect for him. bad enough hes a christian but he talks about it too! people have no shame! (Authors note: i dont necessarily hate christians but my character does)  
"well then youre dumb" i say "dont you know that us athiests have had better arguments for years!" just then i look in his eye. even though hes a dumb christian, it looks like his iq could even rival mine.  
he may just be a worth intelectual adversary. suddenly, an man with a rosary around his neck shows up. 'im snape the head preist he says" 'yeah! well im richard and im an athiest'!  
'OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH' says two kids next to me with red hair who looked kinda like ron "hi, were athiests too. im fred and this is goerge"  
"hmm. the weasely twins, huh?" i say "woah how did you know that" the other one says "i have an iq over 130"  
"HOLY MOTHERFUCING SHIT" said the first one again "thats so high!"  
"wanna get so high later?" i asked "helllll yeah 420 blaaaaaaze it" they said i turned back to draco, but he has already wandered off. i walk back over to my friends. so what happens now? i look over at all the food on the tables infront of me. i eat a little, but not anough to gain weight.  
the sjws on tumblr talk about healthy at any size but i know that thats bullshit. i wonder why sjws and christians hate science, and then i start to think about my theory agin. but my thoughts are disrupted by a booming voice saying:  
"darwin-dawkins, richard? prepeare to be sorted!"  
i slowly walk up. im super confident so im sure ill pass any test. i mean, i dont in normal school but thats just because i dont work. if i did id be the best student.  
i look out in front of me. theres a bunch of tables and one of them has a bunch of kids wearing crosses dressed in green. one is orange and black and the people there are doing calculus and science then somebody puts a hat on my head. everything goes dark (or maybe dank xdxd) for a minute but then the hat says "AAAAAAAH THIS BRAIN IS TOO POWERFUL" and exploded. an old guy looks at me and says "HOLY SHIT YOU WERE SO FUCKING SMART THE HAT EXPLODED!" well, what house do you want to be in?" i pointed at the orange and black table, and went to sit among fellow frends. 


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4:  
I sit down at the table thinking i can relax. but then the beard dude walks up to me. "since you were so smart you blew up the sorting hat, you get to sort students'  
'sounds good' i said.  
i went up to the front, and, in less than ten seconds, i had devised a perfect sorting algorithim based on only what they look like. it worked perfectly. i put all my frends in the orange and black house and everyone else in the green house. and i especially put draco in the green house,  
because hes a dumb theist. "wow! that was the fastest sorting ever!" said the old guy, dubledoor 'thanks,. i have in iq of over 130, you know.'  
'i kjnow' he says 'i could tell'  
im a very modest person so i just say thanks and sit down. but he comes running up to me 'you arent by any chance an athiest, are you'  
'well, someone as smart as me would have to be'  
he nods and turns away, a knowing look in his eye. i turn to harry 'so whos this voldemort guy?'  
'he was a very strong wizard. he wanted to become the emporer and unite britain under one religion'  
'how did you stop him'  
'well, i dunno. his maagic bounced back or something'  
'cool' i say, having already created thousands of plans to use if voldemort ever comes back 'okay guys just dont go to the third floor because the dog there will fuck you up'  
'k' everyone says at the same time so, classes start. me and ben ace them, even with him always being out of class fucking hermione. harry does okay, and so does ron. the only person with grades even close to harrys and mine is drako. one day, i pick up a book from a librarty. it says that there used to be four houses at hogwarts but they got rid of one because it was useless and combined the best two into ravendoor. slytherin stayed the same because everuyone hated it. school was good. in the plant class, we learned how to grow magic plants. ben figured out how to grow the dankest weed ever. we spend all night getting totally blazed. since school was so easy, i joined alot of clubs. one of them was the debate club. alot of people walked into the classroom. it seemed like the best debater, (more like master-debater amiritelol)! was a seventh year. he was a slytherin arguing against evolution.  
he was good, ill give him that. but he made one crucial mistake. he underestimated my iq.  
"you see, evolution makes no sense. first of all, it disobeys the law of thermodynamics, because the law says that order can never increase. secondly, it doesnt make sense.  
there are still monkeys around, so how could we have come from them? and last... its only a thorie!"  
now, i had heared all these arguments before, because these are the only ones anti evolutionists ever use!  
"is there anyone in this whole school who can challange these arguments?" he yelled dramatically ben had wandered off to go have sex with hermione so it was up to me.  
"I CAN!" i yell loudly a hush fell over the crowd. "you see, the third law of thermodynamics actually says that disorder only increases in a closed system! since the universe is not a closed system, order can increse! second, humans and monkeys are actually genetically unrelated,  
and youre stupid for thinking that they are you dumb theist! and lastly, you know what else is a theorty! gravity!"  
he holds his head, ashamed. he runs out of the room.  
"HAH! REKT!" i think to myself. "well, it looks like we have a new debate club leader!" the teacher screams everybody claps. "for your first debate, you need to debate against liberalism! versus the second best debater, DRAKO MALFOYYYYYY!"  
Hmm. this is gonna be interesting. in the distance, in the nearby bathroom, i hear moans. 


	5. Chapter 5

chapter 5 "well, you see, what does it hurt to call trans people there pronouns?' says dracko, smugly "it leads to societal collapse because were pandering to mental inless" "well, youre transphobic" he says "thats tipical liberal reactionism" i say "calling anyone who disagrees with you bigoted"  
Its a tough debate, but, using skills ive learned from amazing debaters like neil degrasse tyson, bill nye and vladmir putin. i can feel the crowd begining to agree with me.  
the judges are smiling and nodding as i talk. one more crushing blow and i will have won the debate. suddenly, the moans turn to screams. the door bursts open and a man with a turban bursts in. "TROLL! THERES A TROLL!"  
"HE MUST BE IN THE BATHROOM!"  
i run toward the bathroom, wand drawn, debate forgotten, because i want to safve my frends. the door is open, and ben is currently fighting the troll with his fighting skills. he kicks low and sweeps the leg knocking the troll down. hermione upon seeing this quivers with arousal. he starts stomping the trolls head. but then another one charges in through the window!  
i quickly whip around and shout AVADA KEDABRA! and kill it. the turban guy runs in. "YOU JUST FUCKING KILLED THJOSE TROLLS ALL BY YOURSELF!" he yells. He clearly assumed the then shirtless hermione didnt do anything. typical muslim sexism. anyway, he gives us 1000 points or some bullshit, then wel leave. we get some dank kush from the herbology room and go to the ravendoor common room. we get super blazed and talk. we just shoot the shit. i talk about how magic works with my thery of phycics, and i talk about how much i rekt dracko in our debate.  
harry says:  
"my scars been hurting. maybe voldemort is at this school"  
"its quireel" ben and i say at the same time. "how do you know that?" says hermione, hand deep in bens pants "he wears a turnban" i say "dont you know that islam is the next nazi party, even though thats an exageration because the nazis werent even that bad. they never persecuted people based on religious beliefs"  
'what about the jews' says some dumb shit from across the room 'theres actually no reral evidence the holocaust happened. it was made up by liberal cucks like climate change'  
"good point" moans hermione "so what do we do?" says harry "well, i saw him snooping around the third floor" says ben 'isnt the dog there though?'  
'yeah, but if hes voldemort, he can just kill it' says ben 'well, i have an invisibility cloak we can just sneak up there' says harry 'good idea' i say 'But first..." says ben "lets get hella blazed!"  



	6. Chapter 6

chpater 6 the mirrer of esird

we start walkung to the third floor under the invisibility cloak. youd think we all wouldnt fit but hermione and ben d werent there, so it was only me and harry and ron. on the third floor we saw a giant dog. it was sitting on a trap door that probably went somewhere. 'oh shit he looks scary' says ron 'yeah" says harry my science brain is thinking how to distract the dog. ive already got five ideas, but then i hear a sound "their over there!' says a familiar voice. its draco!11!  
"hes on to us, quickly guys, lets get out of here!" i say "but we have an invisiblilty cloak" says ron "yeah, but if his iq is anywhere near mine (130 irl) he'll have figured out thousands of ways around that already'  
'good point' sais harry.  
we start to shuffle down the hallway. then i get an idea. ive outsmarted draco once again. theres a law preventing turning stuff into food, but thats just because most wizards are stupid.  
on the quantum level, food is the same as everything else. so, i pull out my wand and transfugure the air into steak. i apperate behind drace (i figured out how to break hogwarts's anti apperation spells in 3 hours)  
and say 'nothing personell kid' and rud the steak on him. then i apperate back under the invisibility cloak. the big dog smells the steak and runs toward draco. we use this oppertunity to run back down the srairs and hide in the nearby classroom.  
theres a mirror inside. 'whooaah' says harry 'i see my dead parents'  
'woooah' says ron 'i see myself wiining some shit'  
i wonder what theyre looking at, so i turn around and see. theres an explosion of glass, and dumbledoor is suddenly there. "HOLY FUCKING SHIT YOU BROKE THE MIRROR' he says, and then he calms down. "your deepeds desire was being the same because anything you want youre smart enough to get and it couldnt handel it. you have alot of potential kid. report to my office im gonna teach you magic"  
'id love that.' i say we keep walking back down towards the ravendoor room. harry and ron go in first, but i have some unfinished buisness to settle.  
i apperate into the hufflerin room. draco is there. he beat the dog like i knew he would, but he was injured. i wouldnt have been injured.  
he turns around "i knew youd be here"  
'i knew youd know that' i retort hes caught off guard for a minute.  
i push my intellectual advantage.  
'how did you know wed be there?'  
'theres a spy in ravendoor who reports to me. they told me everything you were planning to do'  
i already have a mental list of who his spy could be.  
'but you were up on the third floor, right?' he says 'yup'  
'you were in knowing violation of school rules?'  
'yup'  
'so youd understand if you were expelled?'  
'i totally deserve to be expelled' i say 'well, either way, i look forwards to continueing this intellectual battle'  
and then i apperate out to go find and kill drace's spy.

(AN: this bit is from dracos persepctive)  
that richard kid is smart, but not as smart as me. yeah, i had to give up the location of my spy, but with the lord jesus on my side i cant lose(except that debate, but he cheated). that abelist transphobic racist jerk is going to rue the day he angred drace malfoy.  
i sneak around and grab my magic camera. i now have video footage of richard admitting that he should be expelled. IVE WON!  
i open up the video.  
NO its all been deleted!  
this is impossible, i have an iq of 129! i use a file recovery spell on the camera. yES! theres one file left! he cant beat my 129 iq!  
wait thats weird, that file is a image. all it says is oh no "nice try drace, my Iq is 130 -richard"  



	7. Chapter 7

ch 7

we meet voldmort

hahah i sure got drace! he thought he had beaten me but my science brain told me to use magic hacking spells to delete the recording from his magic camera. i went back to ravendoor and killed his spy. it was some kid named jack. anyway, i got together with harry and ron and tried to figure out what to do. we figured out that vlodmort is probably gonna try to get past the dog today, so harry said

"i think we should go try to stop him"

"no, drace would expect that. we need to lay low for a couple of days"

"Wow, Drace really has you spooked" says Ron.

"Well, other than Ben D, he's the closest thing to an intellectual equal I've ever met."

'so whats the plan" said harry

'ill use my science brain to try to find voldemrt, you guys just try to catch up on your work.'

they go to study for thier classes, and i go to see dumbledoor in his soundproof office for my tutoring.

'hey richard" said dubledoor

'hey dubledoor" i say.

"i respect your confidence' says dubledoor 'most kids would call me hedmaster or sir'

'well im not most kids' i say.

'well, ur already so smart and good at magic that i can't teach you anything.'

'sir, i want to learn about coldemort'

'ahh. did you ever hear the tragedy of tom riddle?"

my science brain has heard it actually. i read it in a book.

'well, its good that you heard it. he has the highest iq of any wizard ever. i scared him a little bit, but only when i used an iq increasing spell."

'what was his iq?' i asked

"956"

'HOLY MOTHERFUCKING SHIT" i say "THAT IQS EVEN HIGHER THAN MINE!"

'yes. but even with his iq he cant break in here. its too magically protected'

"Albus," I say, looking around frantically. "I figured out eight ways to break in here. He has an IQ higher than mine, I'm sure that he's found even more"

But Dumbledoor didn't hear me. Before he could react, there was a flash of bright green light, and he slumped over on the table. I looked up, and a tall, white, noseless man was standing over him.

"I expected you to figure out I was in here sooner. But I guess your Iq is significantly less than mine."

I reach toward my wand, but there's nothing there.

"Ahh Richard... so predictable. I teleported your wand out of the room the instant you walked in here"

"But... my anti-teleport charms!"

"You think I wouldn't predict that? I figured out what spellbook you were going to buy eight years ago, and preemptively replaced the pages on anti-teleport spells with gibberish!"

He got me. There was nothing I could do to compete with an Iq like his.

He walked towards me. I heard quiet moaning from the bathroom nearby.

"You lose," he says, raising his wand.

Wait. Moans? Dumbledoor's office is supposed to be soundproofed. If someone had disabled the soundproofing charms, then maybe the anti-apparition charms had been disabled too. I could tell Voldemort had noticed too.

"Hmm. Did you do this? I actually didn't expect that. Well, itt'l be simple to just put the anti-apperation charms back..."

He waves his wand, and a glowing green holographic keyboard appeared in the air in front of him.

"This is tougher than I thought! Who's doing this?" he mutters, mashing keys frantically.

"Maybe if I DDOS the proxy uplink, I could hyper-combobulate the septum. The trojan proxy would update the-"

He doesn't get a chance to finish. The keyboard explodes in a shower of green sparks.

Voldemort is thrown back into the wall. Who the hell is smart enough to out-magic hack Voldemort?

Ben D. teleports into the room, wand drawn. Voldemort stands up.

"You'll burn for that!" he screams, firing a killing curse at Ben D. He dives to the right, and fires a spell back. It catches Voldemort off guard. He's knocked off balance! Ben D. goes in for the kill.

"BEN D.!" I shout. "Be careful! He has an IQ of 956!"

And then Ben D.'s wand dissapears. Voldemort teleports to the center of the room, and uses a petrifying charm on me before I can react. He walks towards Ben D.

"That was impressive. But my magic brain has predicted everything you could possibly do. Your high IQ caught me off guard before, but now I'm ready. Any last words?"

Ben D. reaches up, touching the brim of his hat. (which looks really good on him btw)

"Yeah," He says, tipping his fedora. "M'lady"

A giant burst of light shines from Ben D.'s head. Voldemort steps back, but trips over my petrified body. He falls to the floor, dropping his wand.

"N-NANI?" exclaims Voldemort "You had an IQ limiter built into your trilby?"

"It's a fedora." Says Ben D. He grabs Voldemort's wand, and points it at Voldemort.

"M-My IQ is still higher than yours! I can feel it!" says Voldemort "I can still predict any move you make!"

"Ahh, but our IQ's now are close enough that it would take your magic brain a couple minutes to complete the list. Time you don't have."

"You know what I do have, though?"

"What?"

"An escape plan." Voldemort touches a specific part of the floor. A previously invisible glyph starts to shine. Before Ben D. can react, Voldemort is gone, and his wand with him.

hermione runs in through the door to dubledoors office naked. shes carrying both our wands. ben d. puts his fedora back on and turns to her.

'oh my god what happened' she said

'i just scared off vlodemord and saved richards life" said ben d.

'thats really sexy' sais hermonie.

they go off to have sex. i go back to the ravendoor common room to tell harry and ron the news.

'doobledoor is dead' i say.

'aww thats sad' says everyone

'actually its not' i replied 'im a nihilist (which i am irl and is the smartest thing to be) and being dead is no worse than being alive because life is pointless'

'whoooaaaaaaa' said everyone 'thats so deep'

"Well, I do have an IQ of 130," I say. But somehow, I'm not as proud of it anymore.

ron runs into the room. YOU MAY HAVE AN IQ OF 130, BUT I KNOW SOMETHING THAT HAS AN IQ OF 420! he shouts

'whaaaaaat?' everyone says at the same time. my science brain has already figured out what he means.

'WEEEEED" shouts ron.

we all get totally blazed.


	8. Chapter 8

Ch8, part 1: From the Journal of Drace Malfy

I'm worse than Richard Darwin-Dawkins. I thought I was an intellectual match for him, but he's bested me intellectually several times. I don't want to be a sore loser though, so instead I'm just going to avoid him.

I saw him talking to that asshole Ben D yesterday. He was saying that Sports are for Chads. As a result, I took the Flying class. That one athiest kid from Ravendoor, Neville, was playing with the ball he'd gotten from his grandma. I had overheard him saying at breakfast that it glowed if you forgot something. The head teacher came over, and was lecturing us abour the propper way to mount a broom or something. She was a short, plump lady (but not in a bad way, I'm not fatphobic, **healthy at any size** ). I tuned her out. My IQ of 129 had allowed me to work out, more or less, what she was going to say. I don't like to brag about my IQ, it feels Ableist.

As soon as she looked away, I gestured to my broom. It leapt up into my hand right away. Neville seemed to be having some trouble, so I started to go help him. Before I could, his broom jumped up into his hand. Startled, he dropped his ball. I dove forward, and caught it before it hit the ground. As soon as I touched it, it flashed bright crimson. Temporarily blinded, I flinched and dropped the ball. My vision quickly cleared up. I was lying on the ground. Everyone else was huddled in a circle around me.

"Look what you did, you dumb christian!" said a Ravendoor kid

"You broke my ball you asshole" Neville spat, holding up a deformed glass sphere.

"Did I do that?" I moan, getting up

"You fucking touched it and it melted" He said, throwing what was left of the ball at me. The teacher walked over.

"Is this true, Drace?"

"No, m'am, I was just trying to help. If it had hit the ground it would have shattered."

"A likely story, coming from a dumb christian. Get the hell out of here!"

And that's where I am now. I've been spending all day trying to figure out what would have made the ball react like that to my touch. If Albus Doobledoor was still alive I could have asked him, but his soul is with the lord (HALLELUJAH!) now.

So the only other option is that I've forgotten something. Something important. And god help me, I think I know what it is.

There is something very wrong with me.

Part 2: richard and ben

'man its sad that ablus died' i say to ben. d. hes wearing a white bath robe and nothing under i.

'yeah man, it is'

'there was something he said to me though before he died' i say

'what's that?'

"He said that he was able to keep ahead of him with IQ enhancement potions. If we could get a hold of one of those, and you drank it, you'd probably have a higher IQ than Vlodemort. We could take him down"

'yeah. my iq is 4pi radians, so we could outsmart him'

'will you help me?' i say

'no. i'm too busy having sex with hermione.' as he says this, a quiet moan comes from the other room.

"Yeah, about that. We're in a fight for our lives against an evil wizard, who, to be honest, should have killed us by now, and you're just having sex with Hermione all the time. You need to start doing shit"

"Like saving your fucking life?"

"You weren't trying to. You just happened to be _fucking_ _Hermione_ in a bathroom near Doobledoor's office!"

"I still saved your life!"

"And what if you hadn't happened to pick that bathroom? Would I have just died then?"

"Can you shut the fuck up? I'm not wearing my fedora anymore, I predicted this entire conversation would happen like an hour ago."

"Do you have any actual counterarguments, or are you just gonna whip your IQ around like it's the same length as your dick?" (btw, his dick length in inches is actually only slightly smaller than his IQ measured in degrees, they don't call him Ben. **D** for nothing.)

"I'll figure something out. I always do."

"When have you _ever_ solved a problem for me?"

There's a long pause. Ben. D looks like he's about to say something, but is interrupted by Hermione calling from the other room:

"bennnn, come back to beeeeed"

"Duty calls." he mutters. Not looking me in the eye, he leaves the room, loosening his bath robe as he goes.

I look on for a minute, and then turn to go to the library. I had IQ potions to research.

Part 3: Drace's journal cont.

I've done some reasearch. I now know exactly what's wrong with me. I'm a fake person. I'll get to that in a sec. First, I need to explain what happened with the remembering ball. I was thinking back, trying to figure out what could have set it off. What could I have forgotten that's so important it melts the ball? I started simple. My name is Drace Malfy. I'm 18. My IQ is 129. I'm a Christian, and an intersectional feminist.

My parents names are.

My last birthday was.

The last thing I did before I came to hogwarts was.

Do you get it now? I don't remember any of my life. At all. The first thing I remember is the Hogwarts express. The rest is one big blank. I thought at first that someone had erased my memories. I went to the library to find any books on memory erasure charms. I quickly scanned myself. Nothing. My memory was totally unaltered. About halfway through "Memory erasure charms for fun and sex", on page 69, a piece of paper slipped out of the book. It said:

Forbidden Section, "IQ spells", page 420, this means you Drace

-A.E.

I made sure the librarian wasn't looking, and I snuck through the door to the forbidden section. There was a book titled "IQ spells". I flipped to page 420. It was the first page of a chapter called IQcruxes and IQmeras. I sat down, and started to read.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9:

Justice in my School

A cold winter wind was blowing over hogwarts, muffling all the frenzied activity inside. In one corner of the school, RIchard Darwin-Dawkins was crouched over a cauldron, struggling to create an IQ enhancement potion. In the library, Drace Malfy had finished his book. He put it down, stood up calmly, and began sprinting full tilt towards the ravendoor common room, where Ben d. was having sex with Hermione.

"Password?" asked the portrait of the fat lady. She was gaurding the enterance to the ravendoor common room. For whatever reason, she had shed the dress she normally wore, and instead had a fursuit on.

"Umm..." said Drace, momentarily distracted by the antonimically correct male cat costume she was wearing, "Why are you wearing that? - Not that I'm prejudiced or anything"

"This is who I really am. Ben d. helped show me that. He's just such a great guy"

"Alrighty then. Can I come in?"

"Not unless you know the password."

Drace racked his magic brain. He realised that he had no way of guessing the password, so he took a second option. He tore the portrait off the wall and ran inside.

"BEN D. !" he shouted.

He was answered with nothing but moans.

" _sinners"_ he muttered under his breath. He kicked the door to Ben D.'s room open. Him and Hermione were engaged in an obscene act, the details of which are too graphic to describe here, but it involved a pencil, a knife, and an elephant.

"Call me Grandma! Call me Grandma!" Ben D. shouted ecstatically.

"BEN D.!" Drace tried again.

Ben D lowered the elephant.

"Drace? How did you get in here?"

"Where's Richard?"

"I dunno. He went off to make an IQ potion or something. Why?"

"Darn Darn Darn" muttered Drace (because swearing is a sin) "Ben D., I need you to listen to me. "

"I'd rather just fuck Hermione"

"Of course you would, that's the point!"

"What?"

" _IQchimerio dispellio"_ Drace said, as he pointed his wand at Hermione. There was a bright flash of light, and Hermione was gone, with nothing left but a pile of ash on the floor where she'd been standing.

"YOU JUST FUCKING KILLED HERMIONE!"

"Of course not, murder is a sin. She wasn't alive to begin with."

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT"

"Can you feel it? Your brain running more smoothly? Your IQ should have just jumped 10 points."

"... Yeah, I do. What just happened?"

"Hermione wasn't real. She was an IQchimera, designed to distract you. If you were more active, Voldemord would have killed you already"

"What?"

"I'll explain later. We need to find Richard."

Richard was bored. He had been sitting next to this cauldron for hours, waiting for the potion to finish brewing. He passed the time by mentally writing a manifesto for his ideal political party. When that got boring, he mentally reran his earlier argument with Ben D. , thinking about what he could have done differently. When even that got boring, he stood up, and walked around. He was in a small, underground room. There was some mould on the east wall, and the only illumination was a small torch in the corner. He felt something click in his brain, the same way you feel when your ears pop. Everything suddenly seemed a clearer. It was almost like his IQ had just gone up. Was he inhaling fumes from the potion?

Wait. Why would Voldemord have left Ablus Doobledoor alive? Why not kill him first chance he got? He wanted Ablus to tell Richard about the IQ potion. He wanted Richard to brew it for him! He was gonna steal the potion!

"Hello, Richard"

"Hello, Vlodemord"

Vlodemord was behind Richard, wand at the ready. How long had he been there? Richard had no idea.

"Congratz, Vlod. You got me."

"Yes, I did. Having been brewed by someone with your IQ, this potion should increase mine a thousandfold."

"You'll have an IQ of 956,000? That's impossible!"

"I'm sorry to tell you that it is possible Richard. In fact, it's going to happen soon. All I need to do is make alterations to the potion so its effects are permanent."

"But your body couldn't stand the strain!"

"That's what I wanted the Philosopher's stone for. But you were so smart you blew up the mirror. I suppose I would have done the same. I guess Doobledoor is smarter than I gave him credit for. If I tried to get the stone, the mirror would explode, sealing it away forever"

"So then you can't use the potion!"

"I think I've thought of a workaround"

"What do you mean?"

"There's a thing called an IQCrux. It someone to multiplicatively split their IQ between seperate entities. After I take this potion, I could split my IQ between two entities with IQs of 977 each."

"And they'd work together? You'd be unstoppable!"

"Well, they would start with whatever memories I choose to give them. "

Richard was thinking as fast as he could. He had to think of something. He had to-

A bolt of magic slammed into his chest.

"I think I'll kill you now before your friends have a chance to show up and save you"

The heavy metal door at the end of the room crashed open, revealing Ben D. and Drace.

"Richard! We're coming to save you, in the name of the lord! (Hallelujah!)"

"You can't beat me. My IQ is 956! I can predict every move you'll make!"

"Yeah? How about _this!_ " Ben D. lunged forward, and fired a spell at the cauldron. Before it could connect, Voldemort cast a shielding spell around the cauldron, deflecting it. He teleported behind Ben D. and Drace.

"Everything personal, kids" he said, knocking them both out with stunning spells.

He walked back over to Richard.

"Sorry bud, but it looks like your time's up."

He walked over to the cauldron, conjured a water glass out of thin air, and took a swig of the potion. His IQ expanded like a physical force. Richard was pushed back up against the wall by the sheer force of Vlodemord's intelligence.

"I've got an hour or so before I need to create an IQcrux." Vlodemord said. "So I think I'll take my time killing you guys."


End file.
